


Out of the Frying Pan

by Calacious



Series: Guardians of Hawaii [4]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Bacon, Bad Jokes, Crack Treated Seriously, Crime Fighting, Fluff, Gods, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Personification of bacon, Vulgar Language, alternative universe, some violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2019-01-05 05:47:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12184077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calacious/pseuds/Calacious
Summary: Danny may or may not be concussed, Kono wonders why sizzling in bacon grease feels like a day at the nude beach, Chin wishes that everyone would act like the adults they are, Lou wonders how he got himself onto this crazy team in the first place, and Steve, Steve wishes that he could wrap his arms around Danny and hold him close.





	Out of the Frying Pan

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a chat with a friend. Suerum wrote, "Ooooh bacon, never enough bacon" and this was born. I have to go with what the muse gives me, because otherwise I don't get to write, and all of my creative energies go into lesson planning. 
> 
> It is crazy, but it fits into this crazy universe. 
> 
> Enjoy, I hope. Please forgive me for errors.

"How the hell are we supposed to save the island of Oahu as strips of bacon?" Lou asks, disgust ringing as clear as the grease bubbling in the frying pan.

"Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?" Danny asks.

Steve's almost afraid to encourage his boyfriend.

"Anyone? Anyone at all?"

Sighing, it's Chin who does the honors, saving Steve from having to do so. "What?"

"We're cops, right?" Danny says, voice trailing off.

Steve is seconds away from groaning as he's flipped. The world spins precariously, and his stomach feels like its all the way in his mouth. He hits the pan with a resounding sizzle and grins when the person doing the flipping curses as bacon grease spits out of the pan and catches him on the sensitive flesh on the inside of his arm. It might be petty as far as revenge goes, but it's all that Steve's got.

"And?" Kono asks, cursing as she's flipped. She lands with a rather impressive sizzle and the bacon flipper curses up a blue storm. It's oddly satisfying.

Kono's hiss of, "Yes," matches the sizzling of the bacon perfectly.

"We're quite literally bacon now," Danny says, giggling as he flips.

"The epitome of pigs. One might even argue that we're the best part of the pig."

He performs what looks like an intricate somersault and lands in the hot grease with very little splash, cheering as he does so.

"That, my friends, was a perfect ten," Danny says, pride evident in the tone of his voice.

Steve wonders if Danny's lost his mind. One transmogrification too many and Danny's gone completely off the deep end.

"You, my friend, need to stop showing off," Lou says. He's flipped and lands as gracelessly as the rest of them (aside from Danny who's the apparent Greg Louganis of diving into bacon grease).

"Ouch, man, that had to hurt," Danny says.

"Is anyone else as freaked out about all of this as I am?" Kono asks. "I mean, here we are, strips of bacon, sizzling in a frying pan and I feel like I'm lying naked on the beach, getting a touch of a sunburn rather than being burnt to a crisp."

"When have you been naked on the beach?" Chin asks, slightly alarmed.

Kono ignores her cousin. There are naked beaches on Oahu. Danny and Steve have even visited one, not that he's going to share that knowledge with the rest of the team when they're being fried up for who knows what purpose.

"How the hell does Loki expect us to protect the islands when we're sizzling in our own greasy juices a frying pan?" Lou grumbles as he's flipped, yet again.

"Ew, he said greasy juices, Steve," Danny says, and there's definitely something off about the other man turned bacon strip. Maybe he'd hit his head on the edge of the frying pan when he'd been flipped once.

"I'll give you --"

"Enough," Steve says, sputtering on a mouthful of grease as he's flipped. "Are we officers of the law or children?"

"Uh, we're kind of bacon right now. The right arm of the law we may be, but now we're sitting in the hot seat," Danny says. "Get it, hot seat?"

"Yes, Danny, we get it," Chin says, trying, and failing, to remain diplomatic as he's flipped through the air and lands with a back arching sizzle that looks, and sounds, like it hurts.

"Is anyone else getting a little dizzy, here?" Danny asks. He's flipped and performs another little acrobatic stunt that has him making an almost splash-less entry into the grease.

"Nine point five," Kono shouts, cursing as she's flipped.

"Eight," Lou says.

"Would you all grow up?" Steve asks. He's sick of lying face down in bacon grease, and is thankful that it doesn't feel any worse than a mild sunburn.

Danny sniffs, and Steve sighs. "Fine, I give your last dive a...seven point eight."

"You don't love me anymore," Danny wails. "The romance has been sizzled clean out of our relationship."

"Oh, for the love of all that's holy in this grease soaked pan...Steven, you know that Danny earned at least an eight on that last dive. There was barely a splash," Lou says, grousing as he's flipped.

"I don't see you doing anything other than belly or back flaps that send grease flying every which way," Lou adds, as he sends grease flying.

"Fine," Steve says. "I'll show you all what a perfect ten looks like just as soon as that pimple faced short order cook turns that spatula in my direction."

"You're just jealous because I look hot like this," Danny says.

Kono snorts in laughter. Chin and Lou chuckle. Steve rolls his eyes, and immediately regrets it as he's still face down in the bacon grease. It's really rather unpleasant.    


"Spatula man's coming for you," Danny says, giving Steve a head's up.

This is his chance to show everyone that, even as a strip of bacon, he's got what it takes to lead the team. Human or bacon, Steve is still a Navy SEAL. He can do this. He's lifted. He keeps his eyes focused on the low pool of grease beneath him. He'll be going in blind, landing on his back. He's got to make this count, or he'll never hear the end of it from Danny or the others.

He counts in his head, one, two, three, and then he's flipped and Steve does his best to outmaneuver Danny's splash-free fall into the grease two flips ago. He has no idea what he looks like, if he's making a fool of himself in this almost golden crispy form, or if he looks like the proverbial pig flying gracefully through the air. He lands, hard, on his back, and grease spatters the back of the spatula as he's flattened to the pan.

"What the ever-loving fuck is going on over here?" A large man with a gut the size of a small world ambles over to the stove, and peers at the short order cook as though he's looking at a germ under a microscope.

The young cook quivers under the force of the bigger man's glare, and, though the spatula's still flattening him painfully to the bottom of the pan, Steve feels a pang of pity for the kid. It's not his fault that the bacon seems to have a mind of its own after all.

"I...I'm not sure, Mr. Carter," the kid stammers, and Steve's gut (such as it is) twists, because this creep, still hovering menacingly over the short order cook, is the man that they're after. He's the one they need to stop before he sends another shipment of frightened kids off to live as slaves.

"You just fry up the bacon and stop all of that funny business," Mr. Carter says, punctuating ever word with a jab of his meaty finger into the boy's chest. It looks like it hurts.

Steve can hear Danny hissing out all kinds of insults at the overweight man, and is heartened that, while Danny might be a little 'off' in bacon form, he is still, mostly, himself, and is just as spitting mad as Steve would expect him to be.

"That's our man," Lou says.

"I know. We need to get the kid to flip one of us, and do what Danny's been doing all along, use the momentum of the flip to do some fancy flying," Steve says.

"I bet when we're done with this piece of shit, he'll never think of the phrase, 'when pig's fly', in the same light," Danny jokes.

"Out of the pan into the fire, on my count," Steve says, hoping that the kid will release him so that he can act. "One, two..."

He's lifted before he can get to, three, and when he's let go, Steve contorts himself mid-air and twists and turns his body. Using the momentum of the flip, he ignores the shout from the startled cook, and aims for the fat lard of a man, Mr. Carter, hitting him directly in the face, flinging hot bacon grease into the man's eyes.

"You little shit!" Mr. Carter roars, and he reaches blindly for the teen, hitting the handle of the pan instead, sending Danny, Chin, Kono and Lou flying out of the pan.

Each of them flips and twists beautifully in the air, soaring toward the man who's still reaching for the teen who has now gotten well out of arm's reach. Mr. Carter flings Steve off of his eyes, and Steve lands on the floor in an undignified heap.

Danny yells something that sounds like, "¡Ay, caramba!" or "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!" Steve can't really make it out, but he is proud of Danny when the strip of bacon lands on the man's exposed foot (what fool wears slippahs in a greasy kitchen?), making the man jump around like the bumbling fool he is.

Kono lands on the man's hand, and he swats her off of it. She lands a few feet away from Steve and crows triumphantly.

Chin lands on the man's neck and ends up sliding down the man's chest and getting caught somewhere in the folds of his too tight shirt. Steve shudders in sympathy, grateful that he didn't end up there, too.

Lou makes a rather satisfying grunt as he lands on the man's fat wrist before falling to the floor.

The man hops around on one foot, cursing and threatening to kill everyone from the cook to the person who'd sold the restaurant the bacon. He slips in the bacon grease that Kono, Steve, and Lou have left, and that he accidentally spilled all over the floor when he'd upended the pan. He hits his head on the stove, breaking his nose, sending blood flying everywhere, and then falls backward, cracking the floor and hitting the back of his head hard enough to knock himself out.

Chin manages, somehow, to wriggle through a gap between some buttons, and seems exhausted after the effort.

Steve's heart gets caught in his throat when he spies Danny, lying crushed beneath Mr. Carter's left foot.

"Danny?" Steve can't keep the fear out of his voice.

"Four and a half," Danny says weakly through a groan. "You had more splash on that landing than a whale breaching the surface of the ocean." Though he's panting, and it seems to be taking more effort for Danny to talk than it should, Steve finds the mocking tone of his lover a relief and wishes that he could wrap his arms around Danny rather than having to perhaps settle for cuddling up next to him and some cheese and eggs in a breakfast wrap.

* * *

 

"Maui," Lono's voice is indulgent as he chastises the younger demigod. "I believe that your heroes have proven themselves well enough not to be tried so harshly."

The demigod's eyes are smoldering with deep emotion as he watches his chosen warriors fry. A literal punishment for some unheeded remark that had pricked the young god's pride yet again.

"You have to stop putting your heroes through this kind of torture," Lono says. "You will lose them if you don't."

"They are only human," Maui says, disgust rolling off of him.

"Exactly," Lono says, wrapping his arms around the younger god and holding him close, willing Maui's taut muscles to loosen, for the demigod to relax. "They are only human. They are frailer than us. They are not gods. They cannot withstand these tests of yours."

"Kanaloa provoked me," Maui says. "It is his fault my warriors are suffering such indignities."

Shaking his head, Lono turns the younger, volatile god to face him. Cupping Maui's face in his hands, he kisses him, and Maui finally releases the tension he's been carrying around for days.

"You do not need to respond to every taunt that comes from your half siblings," Lono says, drawing his thumb across Maui's lips and smiling when the younger god opens his lips and licks at the thumb, wetting it.

"He didn't believe me when I said that they were ready to defend Hawaii, that they were ready to take on the mantle of guardians," Maui says with a pout.

"My foolish little, Maui," Lono says, kissing the younger god. "When will you learn to use your head?" he asks, thumping the back of Maui's head. "Rather than your gut?" He presses a hand into the younger god's stomach and keeps it there until Maui's face twists with remorse and need.

"Rescue your warriors, and go to I'o now, before the darkness encroaches any further than it already has. It is already licking at the shores of the big island," Lono says, pointing toward the looking glass.

Nodding, Maui squares his shoulders, and, after stealing a quick kiss, he returns to the looking glass and chants. Winds and waves are whipped up into a frenzy, pushing the darkness back as far as they can, and lightning strikes as the guardians, Maui's chosen warriors, are transformed back into their human bodies, magic keeping anyone from seeing it happen.

* * *

 

“My head is killing me,” Danny says later that night from the safety of their bed, wrapped snuggly in Steve’s arms. 

“You have a concussion,” Steve reminds his lover (not for the first time since they’d come to on the floor of the greasy diner, their quarry being read his rights and bundled off in an ambulance) and he kisses the corner of Danny’s mouth. “From all of that fancy flipping you were doing.”

“Were we really strips of bacon?” Danny asks for what must have been about the hundredth time. Steve isn’t counting, and he’s not angry, but it is getting a little old.

“Yes, Danny,” Steve says patiently. “We were in a frying pan, and you were doing somersaults.”

“Somersaults?” Danny asks sleepily, voice a little awed, as though he’s picturing it. Maybe he’ll dream of bacon flying through the air. 

Steve runs his fingers through Danny’s hair, hoping that his lover will drift off to sleep so that he can. It was a bizarre, trying day, and he just wants to put it behind the both of them. 

“Huh, guess that makes us a couple of pigs in a blanket,”Danny says around a yawn, and he buries his head beneath Steve’s chin, almost purring in contentment, as he falls asleep. Chuckling, brushing his lips over the top of Danny's head, Steve follows Danny into sleep shortly after.


End file.
